Harlequin, Arles, 1955 - Lucien Clergue
is how i see swann in a couple of years… love the harlequin and his stern look!
tumblrbot said: WHAT IS YOUR EARLIEST HUMAN MEMORY?
i’m in my paternal grandfather’s garden, about to pick one of his crocus for my mother which he has repeatedly told me not to do. so he hits my bottom. this makes my mother who is standing nearby furious. they argue, something they liked to do. all i see in my mind’s eye though is the bright sunlight, the green grass and that single flower just within my grasp.
i am reminded of blossoms, though these are blurry lights. i think of japanese gardens full of red petals blown by the wind. his far away stare into the distance could tell tales of genjii or some such. i don’t know why, but i want to capture him, his essence, the a priori… though it is the fleeting thing, the growing, the dream. and when i look at his pictures i find he has already moved on again from there. naturally.
this is an early photo of swann nursing. now that he is 11 months old, i m still nursing him. he loves it. i do get impatient sometimes, in the middle of the night. it seems to help his teething. but i m very happy to do it. here in france only 20 percent of mothers breastfeed their babies and one rarely sees one doing it in public. there is a certain shame attached to it. also most women go back to work when their babies are just two months old and entrust them to state institutions or a nanny. it s almost a societal pressure, i feel. whereas where i come from in germany, both parents can take up to three years of parental leave and they do. my cousin, a university professor, will take time off. in scandinavian countries it is even more common for parents to stay home and the society supports it. i m all for it, i cannot imagine entrusting my baby to someone else at this point. it s not at all like he is shy or afraid of others either. he is very social and approaches others, adults and children alike, with great confidence. i believe staying with me gives a great security that allows him to face the world without fear.
one of my favorite photos to date… his tongue stuck out on account of a little sore spot on the tip of it, maybe because he had rubbed too much against his new tooth, the first one!
we went to see the doctor yesterday, to have my post cesarian check up. swann smiled at her, with his full belly.
-oh he has his father s smile!
looking down into my file.
-…and his name is swann.
-his father is a reader of proust?
-well, actually, the two of us are!
i guess i don t look all that bookish! ;)
blog so that i could write about my little baby and also i could post pictures of my little baby, i know i just repeated myself and that s not really great writing is it. i haven t written much in a long time. each time i start a blog it seems to have a short shelf life, life shifts and new phases start. there are the write-less times, but also the place where you used to write about heartaches does not welcome the happy stories your heart is filled with now. it s what happened last time, from myspace, to some french blog (i gave up on learning to write in french), to blogger, to ipernity. same goes for the picture blogs, i m afraid. i no longer have sad crying pictures. and also my nudes have changed. i feel like i m documenting more than expressing something. starting with my pregnancy. and now all i want to do is take pictures of my little baby. and i want to post them too. but they don t seem to fit anywhere really.
i m sick and tired of wondering how many people have looked at my pictures, and how many comments i can gather, and comparing it to others, and feeling crappy when the number is low, happy when it is high. it makes me a slave to numbers, when i don t really care for them in the first place. anyway, i want to post and i don t want to know who looks. if you re reading this, good for you! share in my ramblings, be they verbal or pictoral in nature, mostly to myself.
-how about swann?
-oh my, i love it!
a few months later i was pregnant. we only had girl names. romy was our favorite. but then on the 31. of may we found out that the baby was a boy. we struggled for names. afraid that swann would be too strange. but in the end, it s all we ever loved, this name. it s the name he wanted, must have been.
so here he is. swann.